06.09.08

Dear Kris-

A friend of mine recently introduced me to your website and I've honestly become a bit obsessed with reading your stories. I envy your liberated and frivilous sex life. You seem to have no shame in your game when it comes to getting laid. And I mean this in a very complimentary way.

I've been dating the same guy for a year and our sex life is far from exciting. It's not that the sex is dreadful, it's jut boring and repetitious. And it has been since we first started dating. Ive suggested having sex in a public place, but he's the type of guy more concerned with getting caught than embracing the moment and having  erotic, spontaneous sex where it's clearly prohibited. And sex toys or god forbid a threesome are definitely out of the question.

I love my boyfriend and have never fathomed the thought of cheating on him... until recently. I started talking on the phone and text messaging an old acquaintance recently. A guy I've known for a while and secretly always fantasized about. We've both always been in relationships and see each other spiratically. Well I havent been able to stop thinking about him since I last ran into him. He looked incredible and told me the same.

My boyfriend and him are complete opposites. My crush is much more open minded and free spirirted. I get aroused just imagining the sex I would have with this guy. He's aware of my situation I'm in right now and this doesn't seem to bother him in the least from trying to have sex with me. I guess that's a given being a guy and it's human nature to think with your dicks. Im tempted to just have one night of wild, mind blowing sex to satisfy my needs. My concern is will it stop there? If the sex is half as good as I suspect it will be.. how will I be willing to sleep with this guy just once? Again I love my boyfriend and don't want to lose him, but if I don't have some meaningless, out of this world sex soon...I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

The chance of getting caught are slim to none so I'm not worried about that aspect. My concern is will this affect my relationship in the long run? I fear I won't think of my boyfriend the same or slowly lose interest. Or quite possibly become addicted to having sex with this other guy. My heart's telling me no while from the waist down is screaming yes!

Without immediatly thinking from a guys perspective (your dick)... what would you do if you were in my shoes??

-Britney 

Dear Britney,

I’ll make this as easy as I can…you’re a whore.  And that’s not a bad thing at all.  Most women are whores and either don’t know it or are in complete denial about it. It’s tantamount to having a disease that lies dormant for years.  Then from out of nowhere BAM!

Suddenly you’re held captive of this seemingly alien inhibitor.  You try to rid yourself of it by fucking everything with a pulse, even if that pulse is on life support.  Or you just lie to yourself and the situation you’re in.  Opting to deceive yourself of your condition can have damning ramifications for letting the symptoms go unaddressed.

I’m under the impression you’re in the latter of the two categories.  I’m worried about your health doll.  It’s time to talk treatment options.

If you have a comatose sex life with your boyfriend then no doubt you’ve tried to bring this to his attention.  If you’re going to decide to try to be a good girl then here is my advice. Try furtively broaching the subject in real laid back terms.

Don’t come outright and tell him that you’re dissatisfied with your bedroom time and list all the reasons.  This will only make him feel like he has to shape up.  And that can be worse then where you started.  Because nothing could be more dissatisfying than someone acting like they’re enjoying sex or acting like they want to have some kinky sex. It ranks right up there with your mother or father talking dirty to you.

So try the whole toy issue with the fact that all children love toys and your girl is no exception.  Make up stories about supposed friends that lost their marbles when a cock ring, vibrator, or circus midget dressed as Abe Lincoln was brought into the fold.

You can also spin yarns about other people’s stories you’ve read.  Tell him how they had sex in random public places and how buttery it got your V.  Let him know that you were imagining the two of you were engaged in such disgusting, vile things.  You fucking pervert.

If all this effort is to no avail there are a couple conclusions you might have to face up to.  One is that maybe he suffers from the Madonna-whore complex.  The other, he could crave dick as much as you do.  He might not be aware of this so have one of your friends that are of the gay come over and stick his cock in your man’s face.  You’ll have your answers in half a sec flat.

But regardless of your results, be sure to give yourself a time table to cut your losses.  This will make you feel like you gave it the college try and you can move on with a little less guilt.

Make sure you don’t inform him of your cock clock that’s ticking to new dicking.  Keep this timetable to yourself.  Once this clock hits the boning hour, there’s no coming back.

Which leads us to this…

Give your “old acquaintance” a call.  Tell him the reason for your call is exactly what he thinks it is. You might as well plan on fucking him more than once because if it’s good, you’re going to indulge yourself.  Even if it’s mediocre, it’ll still be much tastier than the bland sex life you’ve grown accustomed to.  Not to mention the fact that you’ll just use the excuse that it can only improve over time.

And yes I’m sure you LOVE your boyfriend but telling him that if he finds out about you getting jack hammered isn’t going to make a bit of difference in the long run.  My point being is that since you’re already fucking up, you might as well make it of an astronomical magnitude.

Get fucking mid-evil with this other dude.  You say he’s a free spirit so just have one condition that you and Mr. Roto-Rooter operate under.  You get to make all the rules and suggestions.

This is your opportunity to succumb to every carnal urge and slut like instinct.  Go far beyond the thresholds of normalcy, decency and good taste.  Have threesomes and foursomes. Fuck in front of strangers at an out of town bar.  Have him use every toy and household object on you that can fit in any of your orifices.  Have one of his friends fuck you while you use him as a pillow.

Go for broke because if you’re risking your relationship on getting banged properly, then you might as well take FULL advantage of satisfying yourself.  There’s no point in doing things half-assed if the consequence is a full on ass beating.

Plus who knows?  Your boyfriend could find out and like all guys do, want to know all the gory details of his significant other’s exploits behind his back.  I have NO idea why men are so inclined to hear descriptive deeds of deceit, but in a way, I think it’s an aphrodisiac.

You’ll have shit to tell him that would make Larry Flynt cover his mouth in surprise.   Not to mention that after the initial shock wears off he’ll want to claim his property and re-assert his manhood by pissing all over his territory.

Trust me things will only turn out in your favor if your boyfriend decides to stay with you after your impersonation of Caligula.  He’ll be so gung-ho on proving his sexual dominance to you and himself that you could very easily have your brains on the side of the wall from him banging you so much.  Or he could go berserk and just put your brains on the side of the wall with a 22 rifle.

You’re welcome.  

Dear Kris...

I've been working at the same place of business for quite some time now and just recently got promoted. I'm now the assistant to the CEO of the company...the CEO I've been thinking about having sex with since my first day of work. He's older, sexy, and immensely good looking. And also married.

We've been casually flirting for a few years, but have never taken it any further than that. Well since I've been working directly with him he's been much more aggressive with his sly attempt to get me aroused through out my day. He's even invited me out for drinks on more than one occasion. I always refuse because I know myself well enough to realize chances are it wouldn't end there.

Its very out of character for me to have a care in the world about him being married. Honestly, it wouldn't be my first married fling. The fact that he's my boss is where the conflict of interest comes into play. I have to see this man 5 days week. I think I'm deathly afraid of the sex being bad and Ill no longer have this crush that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time he enters a room. The fact he's my boss and unavailable is basically what intrigues me most of all. On the other hand this is a guy I've been fantasizing about for god only knows how long? It seems crazy to not just go for it!

I fear this could affect my work in the long run and possible jeopardize my job. Or worse case scenario someone at the office finding out and getting back to his wife. With all things said and done.. it's probably not in my best interest to go through with it, but the temptation is killing me.

What would you suggest?

~Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

Well first off, I’m not sure if you’re a male or a female.  But the fact that you’re indecisive would point me to believe that you’re a woman instead of a gay man whose married boss wants to fuck him.  I’m under the impression that a gay man wouldn’t have bothered making a “query” and would’ve already just done the dirt and then danced on with his fabulous life.

There are two reasons for my assumption on this statement.  One being that he’s a man and a man will fuck anything regardless of circumstance.  And two because a gay man fucks way more than a straight man usually because of reason one.

So to start off let’s just assume you’re a woman okay?

If you’re anything like me then the temptation will win over. But there are a few things to keep in mind. It’s probably going to suck because you’ve been fantasizing about it for so long. Women’s fantasies are the number one reason why men drink in this country.

When a woman fantasizes, she makes herself believe that the unreal is real.  This in turn puts unrealistic expectations on a man that he will never ever surpass. No matter how much you’ve been flicking your bean to the thought of your boss banging you on the conference table; it’s not going to be out of this world or spectacular.

And yes, your job is on the line.  If other employees catch wind of this, they’re liable to do all sorts of ruthless shit.  Especially if some feel you didn’t deserve the promotion you got.  And just for the sake of argument, what if you’re the one that ends up being lousy in the sack?  What if your boss decides that you’re so fucking lame he never wants to set eyes on you again?

I know when I have some really flat-lined sex with someone, the mere thought of them pisses me off in ways I can’t understand much less explain.  I want that person’s head in a garbage bag.  So I can only assume that your boss, being a CEO and more than likely having a super ego will get evil on your ass should you not perform to his expectations.

So when you decide to put in some extra hours at work I suggest you prepare yourself to be ready for almost anything.  And be willing to do it without a second’s hesitation.  This includes the fact that since he’s so powerful that he’ll probably want some humiliation.  Like you pissing on him, spitting on him, calling him names what have you.

I’m also reminded of a story I was told by a girl I used to bang.  Her roommate was dating the big wig of some company and while they were fucking one night he stopped, pulled out a strap-on and asked her to put it on and fuck him in the ass. She did of course because she was not one to be outdone by mere taboo, awkwardness, or sexual role reversals.

To prepare yourself for being a corporate whore, I suggest you learn how to quickly and efficiently put on an artificial dude piece.  As well as learning how to grind with something protruding from your vaginal area.

Maybe you should purchase one and practice by fucking one of your girlfriends in the ass with it.  Its okay, it’s not gay if you’re just experimenting with size, shape, and technique.

I’d also suggest shooting lots of videos and taking pictures when you fuck your boss and then keeping them in a safety deposit box.  This will work two ways.  One, if he ever tries to fire you than you’ve got leverage.  Two, if you decide that the sex was lame, you can at least be compensated for having to look at him 5 times a week by asking for and easily attaining a pay increase.

And as far as his wife goes, who the fuck cares?  If they hadn’t of gotten married in the first place then there wouldn’t be the threat of infidelities ruining the matrimony. That’s their burning cross on the front lawn to worry about extinguishing, not yours.  You strap-on wielding, ladder climbing, stock cock guzzling home wrecker. 

05.23.08

Dear Kris-

I'm in my mid 20's and moved to LA about  year ago from a  fairly small city and have been feeling quite inadequate since my first day here. I'm an attractive girl and have never had a problem getting a guy, but I don't seem to come close to comparing to these LA girls. I feel I may never get noticed if I don't get my breasts enlarged and dress in designer clothing from head to toe. I have a decent job that allows me to  pay my rent and bills. I can hardly afford to go shopping let alone start shopping on Rodeo Drive to fit in.  I just find myself feeling more and more intimidated every time there's a gorgeous girl next to me. Is it possible to get noticed in this town without big boobs and an overpriced wardrobe? 

-Amy 

Dear Amy,

Now why in the hell did you move to this city if you didn’t want a complex?  Aren’t there more than enough magazines and shows dedicated to how people in L.A. look to give you a clue as to what waters you were deciding to swim in? This town is the most superficial, narcissistic, shallow, and beauty driven place known to man.  And that’s why I adore it.

But fear not my visitor from a small city with equally as small titties.  There’s something you can do to address and relieve you from all the symptoms you’re ailing from.  And actually I’m surprised that you didn’t come to this conclusion on your own.

Start stripping.

Yeah you read that right, shed those non-designer clothes that you’re unhappy with anyway.  Liberate yourself from all those insecurities.  Make yourself a better person and grind on strangers for a few hours out of the week.

Now I’m sure you’re saying that you can’t or wouldn’t ever do something so lowly and degrading.  Or that you are just too inhibited to get on stage and work that pole.  But trust me, some of society’s most affluent doctors, lawyers, teachers, prostitutes and porn stars come from humble beginnings on the laps of many a lonely man.

Look at it this way, taking your clothes off for dollar bills will make you feel wanted appreciated and give you some extra spending cash. With that extra coin you’ll be able to afford designer clothing or even that boob job you’ve been thinking you need.  Which in turn will earn you more money; they’ll practically pay themselves off.  This will garner you more attention from men in and outside the club.  Hell, you might decide to quit your day job and swing that pole full time.

And Amy, I don’t really need to elucidate on how this will all help your self esteem.  You’ll learn valuable social, economical, psychological, and sexual skills that you just can’t be taught in an orthodox institution.  You’ll have no problem with being intimidated by other women or being able to initiate, control and manipulate any conversation or actions with a man (or woman if you really want to fit in this town).

Now the next thing you need to do is choose the club you want to work at.  If you really are as attractive as you think then I’d suggest a place with questionably attractive women.  There’s two that I know of and to no one’s surprise, they’re both located in the San Fernando Valley.

The first one is The Star Garden.  You should go over well there and since they serve alcohol it’s only a topless dance establishment.  The clientele is mostly low life deadbeat rockers and tweekers.  But this means that they’ll be easy to talk into buying a lap dance from you.  Also you might even decide to start doing drugs to pass the time.  If so look for a Mexican named Miguel who has a fake leg.  My friend would buy blow from him all the time.  You’ll notice him from the slight limp that he walks with.

The other place is a small bar called the Candy Cat II.  I guess the first one was such a brilliant idea that it warranted the creation of a second one.  This dive is mostly blue collar workers.  Again, they serve alcohol which means you only go topless and guys will be more enticed to spend money on you.

Really once you decide to go from civilian to “Exotic Entertainer” your possibilities and realization of dreams are endless.  So here’s my number (818-277-2770) and give me a call when you’ll be working a shift.  I won’t buy a dance from you but if you have good showmanship I’ll def. show you my appreciation for your performance art by way of monetary donation.

05.21.08

Mr. Kortez -

So here's my issue and I use the term "issue" lightly.  I have been hanging out with two guys, all to which are very different, I must say.  However, I have only been fucking one (we'll call him D for devil) of them and getting rather bored with it.  The other guy (A for angel of course) is a little more sensitive and better at fulfilling my other needs, like when I am feeling alone or just want a guy to hit the movies with.  I know that once I sleep with A, that he will either fall in love, or bail because he got what he has been preying for and I don't want either one.  I am also concerned that if I cut D off that he won't just disappear, he'll bother me until I get to a point of craziness and either end up fucking him again out of pitty or going postel on his ass.  How do I find sensitivity in a guy, yet still have the buck wild bull riding sex that I just can't seem to live without?

Please help....

Sweet & Sour  :)

Dear Sweet and Sour,

Let’s get one thing straight, a woman is to never use the term “issue” lightly.  All women have issues and they are never light.  In fact the average size box of a woman’s issues usually weighs 2,000 pounds.

Now I don’t know if that translates into a metric ton because we here in America embrace ignorance like a Glendale resident embrace’s Drakar Cologne.  We don’t have to subscribe to that whole foo- foo metric system like the gay French do.

But speaking of the French, I believe they’re responsible for coining a term in regard to having sex w/ two partners at the same time.  I believe this could be of assistance to you and your dilemma.  I think they call it “a manage a trio.”

That’s right sister, fuck them both at the same time. The laws of social Darwinism will overcome these religious representations faster than a fat bitch running to a bon-bon sale.

Whomever is the stronger and more adaptable of the two will prevail by fucking your brains out, not be intimidated by another man’s penis, and smack you around like the indecisive succubus you truly are.

Besides, what could be more entertaining for you than to collide between heaven and hell in the bedroom?

Glad you asked…you whore you.

During your dirty romp take turns antagonizing both of your star cross (eyed) lovers.  Tell your Devil that he’s way dirty but will probably drive you bonkers after you throw him out of the room.  And that more than likely you’ll stick to fucking the Angel on a regular basis.

Top it off with the fact that during the threesome you tell the devil that you think he’s got some homosexual tendencies.  Tell him you swear that he’s looking at the other guy more than you.  Threaten to tell his mother that his son can’t fuck a woman the right way with another man plowing her in the mouth.

As for the spirit squashing of the Angel let him know that he’s way too sensitive.  Tell him the only thing that is allowed to be sensitive between the two of you is your clitoris.  Ask him if he’s not really just one giant pussy because you didn’t think you were in a chicken house.  No sir bob, you thought you were amongst Roosters.  If you wanted another pussy in the room you would’ve invited his father.

Also threaten to tell his mother that her son was such a whiny bitch that you had to put on a Disney movie during the threesome just to insure that he’d finish.

It either of these two are any type of a self respecting man, they’ll get tired of your shit mouth and subject to an hour long session of double penetration.  Just to pay you back for all your insulting banter.

But really, it will be a metaphor for your problem.  Either way, you’re dealing with a pussy or a cock in the ass.

But the upside to this is that you get to be a slut all in the name of field research.  And after it’s all said and done, you won’t want the Devil or the Angel.  You’ll have come to the conclusion that neither one of them are real, reliable or redeeming.  Chances are you’ll end up an atheist. 

05.06.2008

Dear Kris,

I’m so confused and in need of direction.  I’m a woman in my mid-thirties, but I don’t look my age…I’m always told I look much younger, and truthfully, I feel much younger.  Recently, I caught the attention of a gorgeous younger man.  He’s the epitome of physical perfection…a Division 1 College Athlete (which equals a six-pack and smoking hot physique), great smile, amazing eyes.  He’s just too hot for words.  In addition, as if things could get better, he’s very sweet and has continued to pursue me despite my insistence that the age gap is too much (he is 20 years old).  I can’t even legally go have a beer with him!

He won’t take no for an answer and insists that age is just a number.  He’s begged me to give him a shot.  I know that realistically, this “relationship” probably won’t last, but when I look at him I’m certainly tempted to enjoy it while I can.  We’ve hung out many times and come close to having sex, but I always stop because of my dilemma about the age gap. What do I do?

Needing your guidance,

Mrs. Robinson

Mrs. Robinson,

The first and foremost reason that you’re confused is because you’re a woman.  More so, a woman who is in her mid-thirties… you’ve got all kinds of shit going on.  You’re caught somewhere between the care free attitude of your twenties, and the expected solidity of your forties.  Not to mention the immanent arrival of your 50’s where everything in life gets put on (meno) pause.

But here’s one thing to remember.  Even though you’re with this boy who is the “epitome of physical perfection”, he’s only interested in you because of your age.  Just in the same way that you’re only interested in him because of his appearance.

He’s using you so he can brag to his friends that he banged someone 15 yrs. his senior. You’re using him because when you bring him around your friends they can ooh and ah at his Division 1 athlete of a body.

Albeit the only place your friends can see this strapping young lad is somewhere like Pizza Hut, the mall or a track meet since he’s not old enough to get into a bar. But hey, even sexual glory has its limitations.

The fact that he won’t take no for an answer and says age is just a number is a reinforcement to the fact that age is a number for a reason.  Only someone that is immature and inexperienced would make such a ridiculous statement and rebut an answer given to them that’s drenched in logic.

Sure, when girls almost half my age want to bang me, age isn’t a problem.  In fact the younger they are the more of a compliment I take it.  But even if it’s just a booty call, it still involves conversation before and afterwards.  And that conversation need only be a couple minutes long, but it sheds light on the reality at hand.

Age is a gauge to the experiences we’ve had.  Some of those experiences are impossible to relate to or understand unless someone has gone through them.  The conversation will only get so far until the younger person gets a stupid look on their face because they’re unable to comprehend what it is you’re saying to them.

Plus let’s face it, he’s fucking 20.  The only person I know that was fucking good at the age of 20 was me because I’d already had 6 yrs experience.  You say that you know the “relationship” won’t last, but I hope you know the relationship you speak of is his go time in the sexual relationship. He’s begged you to give him a shot and he’s going to blow that shot in 1.2 seconds.

But hey if you’re “tempted to enjoy it while you can” than I can only hope you’re able to extract pleasure out of something that takes less time to materialize than it does for me to find an excuse to start drinking at 9am.

Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson…you pedophile you.    

webmaster@killkriskortez.com

 03.30.2008

Men are pigs as u well know. If, a woman does not want to be ogled, followed, etc. What on earth can she do; and believe me i have done it all, pseudo engagement rings, unbrushed hair, unapproachable demeanor(always), u name it i have done it!
What does it really take to turn a guy off? I mean i know u probably think this question is crazy, but u don't realize when u are a female u don't have to "pursue" EVER! To a guy a "conquest"; i think u used that word, is a novelty, but for us is so far from it because men are such predators that we are constantly bombarded with guys crowding our space or up in our grill, if u will, that it is just annoying for us.

So tell me, what can i do to be left alone?

-Praying for Peace

Dear Praying,

You call men predators but women are just as pursing running after us at top speed on all fours.  Mouth’s salivating with the appetite of our lives and souls. And up in someone’s space?  Let’s talk about all the women that want to get in men’s wallet space.  And not only that, but judge them on the contents of that wallet.

It’s a fucking battle that’s fought everyday my dear.  Men are out to conquer lest they be conquered.  The woman has the power and is able to hold it over our heads unless we make an attempt at seizing that power by being the aggressor.

Cold hard fact to remember is this: Women have sex when they want to. Men have sex when they get to.

And this is more than just a little irritating to most men.

But if you really want to be left alone and guys are still hitting on you even when you are making your most earnest attempts at being frumpy, dumpy and chumpy then here is my advice.

FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE THAT APPROACHES YOU.

Regardless of race, social standing or creed and as an added measure, fuck 5 of their immediate friends.  This will work wonders, because not only will it quell their appetite but also give you a nasty reputation and guys will know you by it and stay clear.  Try to garner a couple STD’s while you’re at it just for good measure.

However if this is not your (nut) bag then I suggest not looking so dumpy and un-kept.  Try looking incredibly attractive to the point where it’s intimidating.  This will keep a lot of men from trying to get in your proximity.

Men have a tendency for approaching those that look “normal” or “regular” ya know, your average 4-6 on a scale of 1-10 as far as looks go.  But should you get all gussied up and notice that it’s not working, then maybe you’re just pre-destined to be an average looking girl your whole life that men think will be an easy score.  In which case I’d suggest getting a t-shirt made that says “Sorry fellas, I only eat geriatric pussy.”  That outta teach them.  

Dear Kris Kortez,

Why do you think you’re so cool.  You seem to need attention.  Your stories are mediocre at best, and portray you as a worthless degenerate slut.  Do you actually place blame on your parents?  You need to take some ownership and responsibility for your own actions.  These women in your stories have feelings and deserve to be treated with respect.  I am completely disgusted with you.  I hope you read this and take my advice.  Stop trying to be a slut and take some time to get to know someone, and actually care.  Show some respect and keep relationships private.  No one wants to be humiliated on your website.

-Disgusted in Vancouver

Dear Disgusted,

  Why didn’t you just utilize the section on my site titled “HATE ME”?  It was made specifically for ass clowns like you so you could say whatever bullshit you felt you needed to say.  Instead your dumb ass sent in something to my advice section.  Is this because you had some “advice” for me?

Let me tell you something, I’m cool sometimes.  Other times I’m a raging cocksucker and other times I’m a brown man suffering the oppression of a more often than not out of control white woman. 

What I’m not however is a degenerate slut.  I’m very picky about the women I fuck unless I’m very drunk.  I do place blame on my parents.  I don’t believe there’s such a thing as bad children, just bad parenting and I obviously am a model for such.

You’re welcome for the mediocrity of my stories. I’m sure you read all of them so you could come to your expert opinion.  And let’s get something straight pal, I own a car, clothes, a fridge and if it was still legal I’d own a slave.  One thing I will never be in ownership of is my actions.

I’ve looked into purchasing and it just depreciates as soon as you sit in the driver’s seat.  There’s no one behind the wheel of the things I do and that’s what makes my life so fun because I never know where I’ll end up.  Also for your information, I do get to know people and that’s usually why I don’t talk to most of the people I’ve been with.  They don’t care and neither do I.  It works out best that way.

And why keep anything private?  If I did then you wouldn’t have had your little pedestal to climb on top of and felt better than someone else.  You coming on here did two things for yourself.  One, it made you feel better about yourself by trying to bash me.  Two, you just humiliated yourself by trying to berate me about humiliating others.

My advice to you is buy some of my merch as soon as it’s available. Then tell everyone about how awful, degrading, reckless and exceptionally unexceptional my site is.

03.03.2008

Dear Kris Kortez,

I'm 16 and in high school. I would say I have a lot of friends, but very few do I consider real friends. You see, my "friends" like to tease me and call me fat.

Before this all started, I was fine with my appearance and thought I was a normal size. Now I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself. I find myself not eating as much as I used to and thinking negative thoughts. Every time I try to tell them to stop, they make fun of me more.

My mom tells me to make new friends, but I have known them for so long and it's too hard to make new friends. Please tell me what to do.

-FEELING FAT IN CALI

Dear Feeling Fat in Cali,  

Well don’t we all feel fat in Cali?  But that’s what makes this state great.  We’re all narcissistic idiots that are shallower than a teacup.

 My question to you is why are you reading my site?  I only fuck fat women on a 12 pack, three shots of Patron and a dare…and only if you just turned 18. So after you get your advice, don’t read my site unless you’re skinny and old enough for me to bang.

Besides, shouldn’t you be working out and keeping the fork out of you mouth?

Speaking of forks, there’s a classroom poster I’m reminded of that would be beneficial to your situation, especially if it was posted in your school’s lunchroom.  Here it is:

 Now the next thing you need to do is quit listening to your mother, she’s probably the one that gave you your fat genes and no 16 year old girl looks good in her mother’s genes.  So adhere to the above motivational poster and start watching movies like “Wild Things” and “Showgirls” and anything else that shows women’s hard bodies and encourages betrayal.

Why you ask?

Two reasons my double stuffed Moon Pie (yummy).  The first being that looking at all that nice toned fleshy skin will keep you motivated to keep your feet away from the buffet and on the treadmill.

Second, both those movies are about women that got tired of being shit on and turned out to be Super Cunts and had their revenge.  So what type of revenge are you going to seek?

Glad you asked my super sized order of McChin.  What I want you to do is look so amazing and so hot that you have absolutely no problem attracting the attention of your friend’s (the ones that tease you) boyfriends.

Once you have their attention, fuck every single one of them.  As a side note, you might want to take up some type of self defense regiment as part of your road to hot high school chick.

This will help shed the pounds and come in handy when some bitch thinks she’s going to punk you out for fucking her man.  You’ll be a bad ass that everyone respects who can have whoever she wants.  You’ll feel empowered and re-invented.

And more than likely let it all go to your head, start doing drugs because you feel invincible and end up getting knocked up multiple times from all the dick that you’re getting.

This in turn will put you and your 6 children on welfare that will ultimately come out of my paycheck.  On second thought don’t loose weight.  The hot girls need someone around to keep them scared shitless of gaining weight.  We all need to do our part. Don’t let us down my little frankfurter.      

02.26.2008

Dear Kris Kortez,

     While putting away laundry the other day, I found a condom in my boyfriend’s sock drawer.   We haven't used condoms in a couple of years.  I immediately was furious and assumed he was cheating on me.  After talking to one of my friends, she thinks maybe I am over reacting.  There could be a logical reason for him having a condom.  I don't want him to think I'm insecure, so how do I calm my emotions and find out where it came from?  It's not as simple as just asking, insecurities have been an issue in our relationship. 

-Lost and Found in L.A.

Dear Lost and Found,

    You remember that conversation you had with your boyfriend about how you wished your relationship had an air of mystery to it?  Well he’s banging someone and he wants you to figure out who it is.  And this lonely condom strategically placed in his sock drawer is your unofficial invitation to play along.

    Why else would one individual rubber be in the sock drawer?  He’s sending you a hint, especially if he knows that you put away his laundry (which is your duty and privilege as a woman) my question to you is, what are you going to do with this hint? 

    Are you going to give into your insecurities and make a scene as soon as he gets home from the bar he went to after work because he hates his fucking job and ruin his buzz?  Or are you going to play along the way he wants you to by subtlety dropping you a hint with that condom?

    He wants you to try and figure out who it is he’s banging (because after all, he’s doing this for you because you asked for some mystery and excitement) and what could be more exciting than trying to figure out who he’s fucking?

    I’ll tell you what could be more exciting than just figuring it out, and that’s fucking it out.

     That’s right sweetheart, you go to some of the places he frequents and pick out the girl you think he’s most likely fucking.  Just one suspect a week because more than one could become grueling work.  You bring her back to your place and you and your boyfriend have a threesome with her upon your suggestion and authority.

    If he and the suspect act like it’s their first time, then odds are that’s not the girl he’s fucking.  You just keep playing it off like you love having threesomes and sooner or later you’re going to find whose foot your glass slipper of suspicion fits on.  This way you can do a case by case study on all the girls you think he might be doing without having to expose your insecurities.

    Now go out and bring home some girls you think he’d be fucking and have them fuck him to find out. 

 You’re welcome.